When you see yourself in your child

Have you ever notice the first thing we say when we see a baby? Maybe something like, "Oh look, he has his daddy's eyes and his mommy's smile." Or, "Ya know, I think he looks just like Aunt Sarah." Every once in a while we find ourselves saying, "Where in the world did you come from?" Maybe there is a red head in a family of brunettes or an out going "Chatty Cathy" child while you and your spouse are introverts.  Chances are  though, your little apple did not fall far from the family tree so to speak and you don't have too look far to see some similarities both good and bad, physical and otherwise. I often see  my husband and myself in our 4 children. They are tall and athletic, with thick blond hair, super smart and super funny, kind hearted and compassionate and loyal. Yep that sounds like us alright. End of story!Quite the contrary! I don't always like what I see in my children. Their wills are so strong sometimes it is exhausting trying to parent them.  They can be stubborn and bossy and mean spirited towards one another and well one of them in particular can be down right explosive when angered! Hmmm maybe that sounds like us.The truth is we are both and all. We are a work in progress and so are they. Maybe it's not a strong will or anger issues you see in your child but you have a "mean girl" or a "bully". Maybe your teen is argumentative, or promiscuous  or anti social, or has sinful habits that you too struggled with as a child or struggle with currently. These bad traits, characteristics and habits can disrupt the family dynamic and hinder relationships. When I see my child angry to the point of rage, I know he does not like being that way and I fear for his future and my heart longs to help him.In the Bible Jesus warns us about the pitfalls of hypocrisy.He says this. "How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." Simply put we need to see if this same behavior lies in us and if so work on changing it. I think this shows our children that there is hope for them as we stop modeling the bad behavior and give them something new to emulate.Then commit to helping them."Then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brothers (sons/daughters) eye."  So it is a log in mine but just a speck in the kid??? Good! The hard part is over!  Just a little sliver removal for my child now. This I can do! I am writing from the airplane today and listening to the steward give safety instructions. The instructions are as followed. "Put on YOUR oxygen mask first and then assist your child."  I see a pattern here. Me first!Enlist help from your spouse.Tell them that you are serious about helping your child walk out of this pattern.  Allow yourself to pass the baton when you are tired and weary. Don't take on this task alone. Come up for air and distance yourself for a time.  Don't feel bad if you want to seek professional help either ( think "sick child in need of a cure") there are toxic genes running through your family line but you can put and end to it.Do not take it personally or hold a grudge with your child.Think of it like this, if you had an illness or disease, in this case sin and bad behavior that you passed down to your child, it would not be their fault, you would feel horrible and set out to find a cure for the both of you. The same thing is taking place here and the cure lies in your ability to change and then help them.Recognize and acknowledge their strengths.I bet for the few struggles your child has there are a million strengths. Be sure and point them out often and try to enhance them. In life we seem to give the negative too much attention and forget to acknowledge and respect God given strengths and praise victories however small. It can get discouraging  working through a tough time. Try to feed that which you want to grow.Patience and grace and modeling.Be ok with the fact that this might take some time to undo. The old saying "Rome wasn't built in a day." has never been more true. As you get victory over your bad habit patterns, model that for your child. I notice when I am angry and yell, my children get angry with each other and yell. As I begin to soften and give grace, and change,  I see a change come about in my family. If it doesn't happen immediately, give grace and celebrate small victories in you and in them.Pray. When dealing with a difficult child, or a child going through a difficult time, I remind myself that this is the child I prayer for, in the dark hours, when I thought God had forgotten about me, when other babies, died in my womb, when the doctors said another baby was unlikely, when I heard God say "Believe for a son!" This child is the answer to much prayer. I fought for him then and I will fight for him now.  I am sure you have a place in your heart like this, a story, an ache. Especially regarding  the child you see yourself in the most.The cure lies in God.These patterns are genetic. Generational strongholds if you will but they can be broken by bringing about change in ourself and then helping our child. As if our family is a garden, we weed, plucking out that which does not belong but crept in over time  and seeks to choke out the good things that should be growing.  Things like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Squash out their counterparts!  The Bible list a few for us:  immorality, impurity, sensuality,  enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, envying, and drunkenness. Cry out to God, be honest with him and ask Him to show you how to bring about permanent, life altering generational change.Ephesians 4:2 Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.