Raising Red Hot Chili Peppers
In my kitchen sits a tall decorative jar of red hot chili peppers. It has been sitting there for years but this particular day I paused to look at it, smiled and thought, "Yep, that's us!" Our house is full of red hot chili peppers. We are fiery, bold, strong and spicy to say the least. There has to be a record set for the gamete of emotions that can run in one household in a given day or a decibel that can be broken when everyone insists on being heard all at once. It can be overwhelming at times but as my husband says, "It is what it is." Really I have become accustom to it. Maybe the right word is numb. No, comfortable. A dear friend of mine used to say, "Well, what did you think would happen when you mixed fire (Chad), and gasoline ( Mwah)?" Perhaps it was a curse spoken by my Dad when he uttered the phrase "Just you wait!", or maybe just maybe God knew what He was doing when he put the six of us together and things are just as they should be.However we got here, here we are, one big happy strong willed family! I must say that not everybody seems strong willed all the time, but somebody always does, and everybody does at some point. Someone is always pushing the envelope, the limits, or MY BUTTONS, rattling someones cage, asking why?, why not?, and how come? Something is dirty or broken, someone is yelling, crying, offended or hurt and either screaming, "NO!" or "MOM!" or just making a random annoying noise. Right now my son is in the kitchen trying to make his own lunch because he sassed me so I walked away. He is yelling, "WHERE IN THE HECK IS THE CHEESE BAG!" (because that's a thing?) at the top of his lungs and I am hiding out in my office and laughing. "Not so independent now are we?"
I will most likely go help him and he will soften and be snuggling me soon. Because with all this fire comes great love and passion too. Some days I feel out numbered, overwhelmed and exhausted dealing with the large personalities in our house and just in that moment they say things like, "Mom, you are my best friend!" or text me to say they miss me and even remind me of a funny inside joke. (Which is my all time favorite thing! ) or a sweet bundle of little boy arms and legs will climb into bed to snuggle at 5am and my heart melts and it is all worth it. God sees it all folks and dare I say even planned it? It is Okay to be strong willed.Over the years though, I have struggled to find a productive way to parent so that the wheels do not come off this love bus. I have yelled and spanked, banished and boycotted. I have even gone on strike and pulled the car over. Although these tactics produced momentary regret(for both parent and child) It did not change the family dynamic or the God given bent of my children any more than it changed the color of their eyes or hair. There were years when I just wanted everyone to SIT STILL AND BE QUIET!!!!!!!! But compliant, "sit still, Yes maaming" children are not in the cards for me and frankly not what this is about. Most often parenting out of anger and frustration just produces more anger and frustration. Sure there are clear boundaries in our home and when they cross the line, we let them know. We withhold sports and fun and phones and "life as they know it" and we heap on the chores and responsibility until the lesson is learned and the coin has dropped. Then we forgive and we talk a lot about what went wrong and how it could have gone differently and then we move forward.
Because we are training these fabulous young ones how to "be".This is a training ground! A messy messy training ground, not an assembly line that spits out perfect children. We are their teachers.We are their examples.Just this morning there was a melt down involving missing advent candy! Tears were shed and blows were thrown between brothers. Seriously? On the way out the door? School is literally two minutes away. I was mad and it was bad. When I picked my boys up from school this afternoon they spent the whole day trying to make it right. They asked about my day, did chores, made conversation with me, used their manners, gave hugs and kisses and had a cheery disposition and even did all their homework. (it was weird). I told them that I loved them and that I forgave them and had moved on. (Anything to make this odd behavior stop.) My children hate to be out of fellowship with me. That feels like punishment to them. I have come to find through much trial and error a few things that have produced the most fruit, the most change and positive progress while parenting my strong willed family. Model and teach forgiveness. I often read in the bible how we are to "bear with one another", forgive and love and walk in unity, letting peace reign supreme in our hearts. My son sometimes writes me an apology note with boxes to check Yes or No and send it back to him. ALWAYS CHECK YES...ALWAYS! Don't hold a grudge against your kiddos. I feel really guilty when I do that, even when I sort of feel justified. God's forgiveness is extended in an instant and ours should be too. We are all a work in progress and I know I appreciate quick forgiveness and lots of grace.Model and teach love. Love them, invest in them, listen to them. Treat it like a real relationship because it is. Show them love by serving them, by having kind words on your tongue and being kind to the rest of the family too. Show them how to treat each other. I love to hear my daughter saying to one of her siblings. "How can I help you with that bud?" because I know she has watched me do that a million times. The Bible also says this in 1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." We need this in our house!Model and teach strong character. Show them love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness faithfulness and self control and that everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. This is a tall order for us and for them but show them that it is attainable by following Christ and leaning into his example and grace. Sometimes when I set out to model or teach something I realize home much I needed the lesson as well.Model and teach humility. Model a sweet kind spirit. They encounter harshness and selfishness and sometimes mean spirited people out in the world and it might be nice to come home to a soft place and some kindness. We are told in the Bible to imitate Christ's humility and value others above ourselves. Even Jesus himself took the lowly form of a baby when He could have thrown his weight around and demanded respect. But He thought it best to model things for us, show us how to "be", how to act, how to treat each other. That must have took the utmost of patience and humility. And He said to do it all without grumbling or complaining. That might be a good thing to model too!
I have a lot to teach and model for my children and it will all look different for each family member. I want to make the most of all these personalities, this house dripping with drive and destiny and passion. What will they become, these little chili peppers of mine? I am misty eyed when I count the holidays left with my oldest teen at home and day dream about the destiny on my youngest son. I pray that I can see each child through God's eyes, and appreciate the way He made them. I pray that for you and your family too.Study your kiddos so you can parent accordingly. One might have a harder time in a certain area than another. Strong willed children ( particularly older ones) need strong leadership more than harsh or strict control. These strong wills will serve them well in the real big grownup world. As we take the time to teach and model "the important stuff", what you sow, what you invest. Pour yourself out like a drink offering full of love, grace and understanding. THAT will trump it all, all the chaos, noise, arguments and spiciness and yield the biggest harvest.