A Beautiful Hot Mess
Modeling my faith for my children is hard. I know their eyes are on my every move. Can I be honest? I have a tendency to swear when I am angry. I joke about it sometimes but I am not proud. It is the whistle of my teapot if you will, and I try hard to put the word of God deep down in my soul so that it is what comes out when I am frustrated and mad.
I am a work in progress.
Sadly sometimes my weakness is mirrored back to me by my little mina bird of a son. Some day soon I will get a call from the school I just know it. But for now, I cry out for the mercies of God.
Psalm 144:3 "Oh Lord set a guard over my mouth, keep watch over the door of my lips."
Ephesians 4:29"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear."
It isn't ok when I do it. It isn't ok when he does it. There are a lot of things that aren't ok. It isn't ok when they, when we, are unkind or harsh or selfish and although we are a work in progress, I am painfully aware that a standard must be set by us as parents. My husband has had some stressful long workdays and has come home edgy, spent, and impatient. Possibly he has not been as kind as he should be and his "help" with homework and bedtime has not seemed like "help" to anyone at all. There have been tears.
As adults, we say, "I had a hard day." or "I have had it up to here and my patience is wearing thin!", and it is our excuse for poor behavior and explosive outbursts. This week was a rough one for my son. We failed to see this because we don't ask kids, "How was your day?", in the same way, we ask each other and then we expect them to comply and obey despite their circumstances or emotional state.
My son was ugly to me. Unprecedentedly and unnecessarily. It was bad and I banished him to his room until his daddy got home. When Daddy arrived I pled my case and told the whole story and he promptly headed upstairs. I heard no harsh words, no punishment, no stomping or crying and soon my son descended the staircase and entered the kitchen serious and overpowered by his father's shadow. He calmly and specifically apologized for the long list of things he had done and said that afternoon. I forgave him and quietly continued to cook dinner still wounded from the battle.I have taught my children that we forgive but may not feel like spending time with that person right away, be it a friend or a family member.
People need time.
My sweet Bubba sat on a tall stool in the kitchen and made small talk, trying to break my ice. Between you and me, I tried to stay icy."Why so calm?" I asked my husband ( we are not a calm and quiet household.)He said, "He told me about his bad day, his frustrating week, and he showed remorse and was sorry." I heard grace, understanding, and compassion in my husband's voice. He too is a work in progress and this was refreshing to see. Still in ice breaker mode and testing the waters, Adam said to me, "Mom, do you know why I love you? Because you don't stay mad at me. It's like when it's over, it's over. And I know I deserve more punishment and you have the right to stay mad and not be nice. But you are nice to me anyway."Yeah... Ice.... broken...I told him, "It is called mercy and we all need it sometimes. It is what Jesus calls us to do and through it, we see just how much He loves us."Why add insult to injury? Why make a bad day worse? Why prolong a stressful evening? The grace of God in my household is teaching us just this. Grace instead of anger. Does God hold a grudge? Does God stay mad, vent, and unload his anger and wrath because of a bad day? No, because God is love. God is grace and mercy. In a world where there is so much evil and hate, confusion and chaos, sin and stress. I want to err on the side of Love.
“If I have faith that can move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
We do a lot of things wrong in our house. We are human and a big messy work in progress. One thing I think we do well, not perfectly, but well and often is love. We forgive quickly and we move on. Life is too short, rather, life is too long, to return evil for evil, to be mean or harsh, or to lack compassion. I am thankful for the love of God that covers our sins and leads us back to each other and points us back to Him. He is glorified in humility and honesty. Mine, my husband, and that of our children.
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8