Overcoming Insignificance
The other day while driving in the car, my baby boy, (now 9) affectionately referred to as Big Dave, had this deep thought to share:"Mom, ever wonder how, ya know, a flea is so small to us and that is how small we are to God, but the cool thing is He doesn't treat us like fleas, He carefully holds us in His hands, (cupping his hands as if getting water from a sink) and He cares for us?”Out of the mouths of babes. This boy is a keeper!This is one of those concepts that feels easier said than done for me. I know in my head that God loves me and thinks highly of me but then truthfully, sometimes I feel like an insignificant flea.Sometimes I lose sight of God and see myself as an insignificant flea.I continued the conversation with an old friend a few days later as we were road tripping and daydreaming.“I mean who am I?” I said, that God would choose to bless me, give me things like success, ideas, and dreams. Little ole me? I mean we both know there was a time when I was a wretched mess; I mean just a little "guttersnipe". Lost and lonely and He rescued me and began to answered my prayers. Who does that?”The world and society and my history of poor choices thus far had told me such things were unattainable, that I was unworthy of good things, great things, and special things.As if to say, “Nope not you, not today!”.I heard it enough times that I learned not to even reach, not to even touch, and not to even want, because I was unworthy.I felt like a flea.I felt insignificant.I felt like a sign hung over my head that said,"Unworthy." "No good." “Disposable."Like some bad excess scraps that you throw out.My sin had taken me on a detour from the plan God had for me. I had been seeking fulfillment in the wrong places, attention from the wrong people, and happiness from the wrong sources. The Bible says ‘the wages of sin are death’ and I was feeling the slow fade. I prayed alone in my apartment, (and eventually with a friend who took me to church.)“God, there has got to be more to my life than this, I am 22 and burned out and tired and broken. I have tried to make things happen on my own, in my own strength, and I am failing! I don’t even know who I am anymore." God invited me into a relationship and He began to speak and I began to listen. He wiped my tears and cleaned me up, offering me a seat at His table and allowing me to dream. It was as though I became who I always knew I was. Like finally looking in a mirror that made sense. I was in fact not a guttersnipe or an insignificant flea, but a child of God created in His image.It was scary to feel the worth that God assigned to me and to let my heart dream. “God, this is scary. I’ve dreamed before, I’ve tried before, I’m jaded. I am broken hearted. What’s different now?”He continued to call to me and I continued to follow Him. And as I kept my eyes on Him, my sense of self worth and significance began to grow.I dreamed and stretched my faith to be clean and whole and pure.I dreamed and stretched my faith to feel worthy and valued and significant.To know His plans for me.I dreamed and stretched my faith to find true love, the love of my life.To be a godly wife and raise a godly family.He gave me a sense of purpose and a hope and a future and I felt like a new creation.You know, it’s funny, 24 years later, and I am still surprised by His attention and blessings.“Who me?” As if when God taps me on the shoulder I am sure He’s got the wrong person.Yes, MeAnd Yes, You.This is how you overcome insignificance friends, by accepting your invitation to sit at God’s table (we are all invited by the way) and letting Him love you, constantly reminding yourself of His truths and goodness.Lately I find myself dreaming and stretching my faith for some new and exciting things. There is temptation to slip back into that scared college student who felt unworthy. But I remind myself that my worth is wrapped up in Him and I will walk in the worthiness He assigned to me and that he is good all the time.