A different kind of hard.
When our children were little we were tired and exhausted at the end of long days and weeks that all seemed to bleed together. We were sleep deprived from late-night feedings and the physicality of taking care of babies. From changing diapers and bathing little ones, to lugging around a heavy car seat and a bulky double stroller, no one would argue that it is a physically exhausting task. I even developed carpal tunnel in my left wrist from the way I held my daughter while feeding her. Of course, there are decisions to be made that
feel
big, ( and are!!) decisions about how to make them eat their veggies, nap, share, and conduct themselves on play dates. I am sure we would all agree that the hardest part about little ones, is how physically draining it can be. I have been thinking lately about a conversation with a good friend years ago who, at the time, had two teenagers. We asked him ( with hope filling our eyes!) if it "got any easier". In reflective hind site, he said,
"It doesn't get any easier, it becomes a different kind of hard."
My boys, at 6 and 7, can care for themselves physically, and I do not feel the bone tiredness of caring for little ones anymore. The new exhaustion, I feel, is due to raising a teen and a tween now 13and 11. My girls are fabulous and the loves of my life! I love being with them and am honored to be their mom, but often my parenting experience feels like worry at its best and gut-wrenching heartache at its worst, and I feel emotionally and spiritually exhausted. The heart experiences joy at all your babies’ firsts, firsts tooth, first smile, and first words. But with the teen and the tween, all the firsts seem a bit terrifying. On the first day of middle school, the first time riding the bus. And first dance, just to name a few, and soon there will be a first date, a first kiss, and even driving??? My heart can barely stand it!!!! A few sucker punches to my soul as of late that only a teen can deliver, right to the heart, has left my heart heavy and confused. It also made me painfully aware that life does not always wait for me to catch my breath when my two little men, oblivious to it all, come through the door in need of snacks and attention. For a moment, I put aside emotions and smile through the pain, remembering that conversation with our old friend and thinking, "Physical tiredness would be easier than this!"My tween arrives home, looks at my face, and says, "Mommy, you look sad." She hugs me, and I hug her tight, wanting to encapsulate her innocent nature and pure heart. I want to freeze her at this age and at this moment in time. I am reminded that God does not want us to be sad or worried.
Today, I listened to my husband teach the word of God in our Sunday school class and worshiped the Lord during service. I gave thanks for the truth of God and His presence in my life. I clung to every word on every page, sang louder, and prayed fervently. These things all lessen emotional pain for me, and I feel like I can breathe again. I am thankful that over the years, I have committed so much scripture to memory, and I begin to rattle it off to myself like Dorthy in the Wizard of Oz. "There's no place like home, there's no place like home" Except for me, it is scripture. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I can do all things" (opening one eye to see if it is has come true or anything has changed). "If God is for me, who then shall be against me?" "Train a child up in the way they should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from it... train a child up...."Tired from a week-long emotional wrestling match with my teen, I gather myself and decide not to take it personally but to focus on the true enemy and fight back with God's word in my hand and in my heart. The Bible tells me that the devil is "Roaming around like a lion seeking someone to devour and his goal is to kill steal and destroy." So, exhausted and mad, I fight like Nehemiah. I build my house with one hand and fight off the enemy with the other. I will fight for the souls of my children. I scream, "NO DEVIL!!! you can not have them. They are mine!!" They are God's, and I will let the Lord empty me of everything I have every day for these five people. When I am tired, emotionally or physically, I ask the Lord to find more in me, "Wring me out like a wet towel, like a tube of toothpaste, find me more so I can pour it out for 'these' "At the end of the day God has entrusted me with these children for the short time we are here on earth, and I will hold them up before Him, giving Him back what is His anyway. I pray for physical, mental, and emotional strength to get through the days, weeks, months, and years. I need to steady myself, find the Lord as my "plum bob," if you will, hanging on to everything I know to be true, so I can press on. I don't have a choice. I get the joy of building and fighting and protecting, growing and pruning and guiding. The ultimate in multi-tasking. A different kind of hard. This is why I am holding fast to the word of God. Philippians 4:8 says, Finally, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and admirable if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, dwell on such things. Why? To encourage my heart, renew my strength, and then fight the good fight. I will continually ask God to fill me up again for yet another day to fulfill this great calling. It is only by His grace that I can count it all joy!